Burlap Boy Gets His Wish


You’ll all remember the story of the poor, bodiless (or should I say "Torso Challenged") boy who was having a hard time of it years ago? I’ve received many inquiries as to his whereabouts lately. Below please find a response to those questions. As a matter of fact, Burlap Boy called me from this mobile phone the other night. He started the conversation by requesting that I address him as "B Diddy Boy". He said he has a full-time assistant he endearingly referred to as "My Down Pat Ho", who holds the phone to his little head now. He was calling from his car as the chauffeur drove him downtown in his 1971 fully pimped out Cadillac convertible with metallic mauve paint and cream yellow leather upholstery. He received a flood of emails, donations, and sympathy after his story was made public on the internet. NASA did as promised and has set up a fund for him that is in excess of three billion dollars at this point.

He has significantly changed his wardrobe and decks himself out quite handsomely these days.

"Picture dis," he said to me over the blaster, "I'm wearin a black bowling shirt with shiny gold piping and "B Diddy Boy" embroidered (in gold thread) over the pocket. A gold llame hat, turned sideways, on my little head, and his hair is done up in shiny Afro Sheen and dreadlocks.

The little guy is busy as bee. In fact, he has started a small corporation, funded by his estate, which imports designer potato bags and silk screens them with Gucci appliqués. He’s doing quite well.

He’s also hosting a new television show called "Burlap Bag Overhaulin’" in which a new, supposedly deserving, bodiless person is selected every week to have their leaves and stuffing replaced with quality materials.

He’s also just released a new reality show called "Burlap Survival" where a group of very athletic, sexy, and scantily clad, bodiless people (or as we prefer to call them, "Neck-Ups") are put on a remote sidewalk during the height of a Phoenix, Arizona summer as hidden cameras capture their struggle to get to a merciful patch of shade. Ratings are not yet released but it’s rumored that the pilots were warmly received by the American television viewing audience. No surprise there, eh?

He’s managed to get his mom through a long drawn out stint down at the Betty Ford clinic and she now has a suite just down the hall from him in the top floor of the Trump building in Manhattan. She’s still fretting about B Diddy, but for much different reasons now. Poor mom, don’t cry. We’ll be fine.